Guilt, Gratefulness, and God

It's hard not to feel guilty at times when I'm surrounded by such gut-wrenching poverty.

Many of the kids at Kawangware wear brown sweaters that are literally in tatters; strings of unraveled yarn hang from their shoulders.

In my classroom, we have 10 English books. Today, there were 35 kids. In the 4th grade classroom, they had 3 English books for about the same number of kids.

We have no chalkboard duster (eraser) in my class. I used my hand today.

The kids' only soccer ball is ripped wide open and completely flat. Today I saw them playing football (soccer) with a plastic bag filled with air and tied and with a flattened plastic water bottle.

For lunch today, the teachers were again served ugali (thick grits) and greens. The kids had nothing, unless their parents sent them with something. The school is supposed to get food from the UN, but the UN doesn't have it's act together. It's heartbreaking and I wonder how they can learn anything at all when they're hungry. I will never, ever complain about packing a school lunch again when I'm home. And, I will never, ever complain about eating ugali here again!!

Many of the kids have eyes that shine with happiness and joy, but when I look in some of their big, brown eyes I can see depths of sorrow and desperation that are born from a life of poverty.

And to think that despite all of this, my students somehow manage to care about grammar. To care about math. To care about being obedient and cooperative during class. And, maybe most surprising of all, they still LOVE to play and have fun and laugh. The kids at the school are, for the most part, not depressed at all. They are beacons of joy and love. They are fun to talk to, energetic, and lively. It is so hard to reconcile the images of their smiling faces with the truth that many of them might go home to no food...no water...no clean clothes to wear the next day to school.

It definitely makes me feel guilty sometimes. Why was I blessed to be born an American? Why did God choose not to make me suffer from poverty? Why have I been called to teach here for these eight weeks? I have no easy answers to these questions.

The only thing I can do is pray and love. I pray for the kids and that the UN gets it's act together ASAP so they get some lunch. I love the kids and shower them with smiles and hugs. Prayer and love are the two most important things in places like Kawangware.

I don't always feel guilty. Guilt is not a productive feeling and, despite being unable to find answers or reconcile with the "whys" of this life, there comes a point when I just have to admit that I don't know why God chose for me not to live in poverty and for these kids to live that way. God knows, God has the answers and that's enough for me. I trust that He's working ALL things for His good, even when humanly it is painful to experience. When I let the go of the guilt and start to bask in God's greatness, I realize a much more positive emotion- gratefulness.

I am so grateful to have enough food.

I am grateful to have access to clean water.

I am grateful that I sometimes have a hard time deciding what to wear because of the very fact that I have options when it comes to clothes.

I'm grateful that the classroom(s) I will teach in at home have desks, books, and nearly unlimited paper for students. I am grateful for our government that, although flawed, tries to provide for kids so that all kids can have lunch at school.

I am grateful that I serve a loving, just God who is in control of every detail in the universe- even when it seems so unfair and heartbreaking to watch His children living in such a harsh environment.

I am grateful that God has blessed me to be teaching in Kenya.

I'm just grateful for everything today, and I am promising myself that I will complain less. I will not let everyday, American frustrations bother me.

It's all about perspective- and I'm grateful that God has, once again, opened my eyes to see His world.

Love,
Ashley